Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
Mom with Baby Is Kicked Out of Home by Mother-In-Law, Sees Her Digging through Trash Years Later — Story of the Day
A controlling woman kicks her daughter-in-law out of the house with her newborn child, only to find herself in appalling conditions years later.
Abbie and Jonathan were married for three years when they welcomed their son, Timothy. They lived in Austin, Texas, with Jonathan’s mother, Susan, who wasn’t the worst by all accounts but wasn’t the best either.
Susan’s problem was that she wanted total control over everything, especially Jonathan’s life. To her relief, she was always successful since Jonathan was a “mama’s boy” who never went against her.
However, things began to change when Abbie came into Jonathan’s life. He began to devote a significant percentage of his attention to her, making Susan believe that Abbie was pulling him away from her.
Eventually, Abbie got the impression that Susan despised her, so she advised Jonathan that they move out. But he politely declined, saying, “Oh darling, come on! You know how mom is! She may seem harsh on the outside, but she is soft on the inside. She adores you just as much as she adores me.”
But Abbie knew that wasn’t the case, and her worst fears proved true one day…
Mrs. Norris wasn’t supportive of Abbie and Jonathan’s relationship. | Source: Pexels
“GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE WITH THAT BABY!” Susan yelled at Abbie as she and Jonathan returned from the hospital following Timothy’s birth. She didn’t even go to the hospital for Abbie’s delivery because she despised her. And once Abbie was home, she already had a brilliant plan to get rid of her “pathetic” daughter-in-law.
“Susan, what’s the matter?” Abbie stared at her, bewildered. She didn’t understand why the woman would say something like that to her.
“Good Lord! Susan?” she whispered in disbelief on seeing her mother-in-law in such a terrible condition.
“What’s the matter with me?” she retorted. “That boy is not my son’s blood! He looks nothing like my son!” she lied, screaming at the top of her lungs.
“Susan!” Abbie yelled back, teary-eyed. “How could you say such a thing? He’s your grandson…Jonathan,” she said, turning to her husband. “Why aren’t you saying anything? You know he’s—”
Before Abbie could finish, Susan cut her off. “Stop bewitching my son with those crocodile tears of yours! You’ve already wrecked his life. Pack your things and get lost!” she repeated and grabbed Jonathan’s arm, pulling him to her side.
Mrs. Norris ordered Abbie to leave the house. | Source: Pexels
“Jonathan….” Abbie looked at him with hopeful eyes, but he didn’t utter a word. Instead, he stood by his mother’s side and lowered his head in shame.
Abbie couldn’t believe Jonathan didn’t say anything to his mother, even if it meant losing his son! She realized whatever was happening to her was probably the worst thing she’d ever faced, but she reasoned it was probably for the best if she moved away from the toxicity. So she packed her belongings and left Susan’s home to live with her parents.
Several years went by and Abbie had raised Timothy on her own, giving him the finest of everything. Fortunately, she also healed from the pain of her toxic marriage with Jonathan and took the first step towards divorce and a happy life with her son as a single mother.
A few years after the divorce, she found love again when she crossed paths with a man named Edward at Timothy’s school. He was a widower with a daughter, Caroline. He and Abbie fell in love and got married.
Abbie felt her life was complete after marrying Edward. She had a wonderful family, an excellent job, two beautiful children, and a devoted husband. She never thought about the horrific past again until something unexpected happened one day…
Abbie took a drastic step and became a single mom. | Source: Pexels
After dropping Caroline and Timothy off at school, Abbie was on her way to work when she noticed an elderly woman dumpster diving for food.
“Good Lord!” she sighed as she came to a halt and glanced at the woman. “What misery did she go through to have to eat from a dumpster?”
Abbie reached into her handbag for cash and got out of the car to offer it to the woman. But as she got closer, something about the woman’s filthy clothes made her stop.
She recognized the woman’s coat and immediately came to a halt in the middle of the street until a car blew its horn, interrupting her thoughts. When the homeless woman turned around to face her, Abbie’s suspicions were confirmed.
“Good Lord! Susan?” she whispered in disbelief on seeing her mother-in-law in such a terrible condition. “Susan, what happened to you? What are you doing here?” she asked worriedly as she dashed over to her.
Mrs. Norris was looking through trash for food. | Source: Shutterstock
With tears in her eyes, the older woman stared at her. “Abbie? Forgive me for what I did, sweetheart,” she pleaded, bursting into tears. “Please forgive me! I’m starving! I haven’t eaten in days….” She fell at Abbie’s feet and wouldn’t stop crying.
Abbie never liked Susan, but she wasn’t so heartless that she would leave her like that on the streets. So she took a day off from work and accompanied the older woman to a restaurant.
As Susan finished eating, Abbie gently asked, “Susan, how did you end up like this? Where’s Jonathan?”
“All I can say is I paid for my sins, sweetheart,” she sighed, teary-eyed. “I lost everything I had. My Jonathan is no longer with me. He left me alone, and I was so miserable after that….”
Susan wouldn’t stop crying as she revealed that Jonathan was returning home from work one day when he was attacked and robbed by some hooligans. He tried to fight back, but he eventually succumbed to the injuries and died before reaching the hospital.
Jonathan’s death left Mrs. Norris miserable. | Source: Pexels
After the terrible accident, Susan almost lost her mind. Every night, she would sit for hours on her son’s bed, clutching his things and crying. She didn’t want to do anything or interact with anyone. She eventually gave up on life and began roaming the streets.
“I still have the house, but it’s so empty without him. It comes back to bite me when I go back there. I don’t want to be there. I want to run away from all the bad memories…All the bad things I did to you, oh, I regret them so much. Will you please forgive me? I beg of you!” she pleaded, trembling.
Seeing Susan’s dreadful situation, Abbie knew she had already had her fair share of suffering for her wrongdoings, so softening her heart for the older woman, she decided to let go of the past and forgive her.
“It’s all right, Susan,” she said. “I don’t have anything against you or Jonathan. In fact, I’m happy I went on with my life because I now have a beautiful husband and two wonderful children.”
Susan was surprised. “You remarried?”
Abbie was happy with her married life. | Source: Pexels
“Yes! And I am very happy with my life now,” Abbie replied, smiling.
Susan felt a tinge of jealousy, and she dropped her head in shame. But Abbie forgave her and decided to help her out, so Abbie started visiting her home and helping her around the house once in a while.
She also told Edward everything, and he was very sympathetic and supportive. Leaving the horrific past behind them, they now often invite Susan to their home and spend time with her so that she does not feel alone.
What can we learn from this story?
- One day, everyone pays the price for their wrongdoings. Susan ruined Abbie and Jonathan’s relationship and paid the price for it when she found herself all alone.
- Good things always happen to good people. Though Abbie’s divorce from Jonathan was devastating, it ultimately resulted in a much happier life for her and Timothy.
If you enjoyed this story, you might like this one about a mom who asks her old neighbor to babysit her children only to return home and find them missing.
This account is inspired by our reader’s story and written by a professional writer. Any resemblance to actual names or locations is purely coincidental. All images are for illustration purposes only. Share your story with us; maybe it will change someone’s life.
Leave a Reply